Chuck Reid
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is."

Jean Paul Richter
"A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward."

Quentin Crisp
"The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us."

George Bernard Shaw
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."

Jules Renard
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."

Douglas Adams
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

Jonathan Winters
"Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others."

Oscar Wilde
"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone
"Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable."

James Russell Lowell
"Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people."

Charles M. Schulz
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.""

Heinrich Heine
"The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin."

Jack Benny
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."

Jack Benny
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Evan Esar
"Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions."

Albert Guinon
"When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right."

Albert Einstein
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

Woody Allen
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."

Henny Youngman
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

Thomas Mann
"No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself."

Arthur C. Clarke
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."

Douglas Adams
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

Doctor Who
"First things first, but not necessarily in that order."

Jean Kerr
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"

Woody Allen
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

Carl Zwanzig
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."